Full Circle

I heard a song today that I haven't heard in six years. When the first few notes drifted out of my speakers, I experienced such a happy, nostalgic feeling.

For just a moment, I was back in college, working at the AV Center at the business school. The 2007 listening experience and the 2001 listening experience met, like the sides of a quilt being folded.

And what of the time in the middle? For the moment, it was pushed off to the side. It never happened.

I never graduated college. I never taught. I never moved to New York City. My experience of 2001-2007 was: 1) Hear and love the song. 2) Hear and love the song again. And it was always going to happen again.

This seems like too much for a novelty Latin song about mayonnaise. But it comes up a lot.

I just went to Washington, D.C. for the first time in 16 years. I laid my eyes on landmarks I hadn't seen since I was 11 years old.

When I saw the Lincoln Memorial or John F. Kennedy's grave - both unchanged in the ensuing years - the two viewings again joined together in my mind. It felt like I was always going to come back, no matter where else life took me, so I could complete the experience.

On the same trip, my Mom met up with a cousin she hadn't seen in 35 years. This had to happen, right? They're cousins. At some point, they were going to reconnect.

It seemed like these events were destined to happen. The original experiences had finally been validated. Everything came full circle.

I don't buy it.

I used to say about certain people or places that "our story will never end". That I am destined to encounter these people or places at regular intervals throughout my life, whether I want to or not.

This seems less and less realistic as time goes on.

Anything can happen in the time between meetings. People move. People die. People lose interest in each other. They fight and stay fighting at a distance.

To believe that an experience isn't complete until some meeting way off in the future is to do a disservice to that experience. It says that the experience, or the relationship, wasn't real or full enough by itself. It says that if fate intervenes and prevents things from "coming full circle", then things will forever be unresolved.

When I was a kid, I spent two Thanksgivings playing a bowling game in my backyard with some older cousins. The next year, they didn't want to play anymore, and I was devastated. The "tradition" was dead.

In situations like this, my new attitude comforts me. Every time I am able to continue a tradition, I am lucky. But the next time is never guaranteed, and it can never detract from the experiences I have already had.

I've always wished I could find closure with ex-girlfriends. Or run into old friends. Or hear novelty Latin songs one more time.

If I do, that's great. All of these things have happened before. But they didn't have to happen.

Each experience was done, finished, in the past. It didn't leap Evel Knievel-style over years of my life and continue where it left off. It stopped, and nobody knew if it would ever start again.

If elements of my past come back - if my favorite traditions continue - that is great. I welcome them.

But my life is complete up to this point. My past doesn't need help from my future. What happens from here on out - whether familiar or completely new - is a gift, but it is not guaranteed.